A Hypothetical Interview with Mark Sanchez

I am a busy guy, but I also am interested in talking to famous people. But I’m just too busy. So I interview people in my head while I’m driving places. Today, while zipping up Lancaster Ave in Ardmore to get some new pants at Old Navy, I sat down with Mark Sanchez, fresh off his big win against the Panthers.


Me: Hey, it’s me Mark!

Mark Sanchez: Hi, Mark. It’s me Mark, also?

ML: It sure is. So Mark, nice win last night!

MS: Thanks!

ML: It must have been fun, running around out there, throwing the football down the field to your friends the wide receivers who were hoping you would throw them the ball.

MS: It was! My friend Jordan Matthews told me after the game that he really appreciated me thinking of him when I threw him that touchdown pass.

ML: Which one? Am I right?

MS: (laughing) Oh yeah. I forgot! Man, times like these, it makes you wonder how anyone can be sad.

ML: True. So very true.

MS: I had a cheesesteak last night for the first time.

ML: Pat’s or Geno’s?

MS: Both!

ML: Gross. Seriously. Pat’s and Geno’s are both gross.

MS: But…

ML: But nothing Mark. The whole reason you went there was to build a sense of camaraderie with the Philadelphia fanbase, but you spoiled it by going and getting what all true Philadelphians know to be some of the worst cheesesteaks in the city!

MS: But Pat’s and Geno’s are the places they always show on TV during Eagles home games. I just thought they must be good.

ML: Well they aren’t. Go almost anywhere else. Go to Jim’s on South Street, go to Steve’s Prince of Steaks, go to Mike and Emma’s out in Ridley Park. Now those are some great steaks.

MS: I guess I get around to them eventually.

ML: I thought Chip had you guys on special diets.

MS: He does.

ML: And you’re going to violate your diet to go get steaks?

MS: …no?

ML: Don’t lie to me Sanchez…

MS: You can call me Mark.

ML: We’re past that. You broke your diet last night for those cheesesteaks!

MS: Do you actually know anything about our diet plan?

ML: (mumbling a bit) it’s…macrobiotic….sports science.

MS: I thought not.

ML: Well still, you won one game and now you think you can throw the rule book out the window.

MS: It was just one cheesesteak.

ML: It was two Mark…

MS: So we’re back to Mark!

ML: …Sanchez, it was two. You got one from Pat’s and one from Geno’s.

MS: Whatever.

ML: Ugh, and even that. You couldn’t just choose one and risk having some people think less of you. You had to try to please everyone.

MS: You’re getting a little aggressive. I think I might have to go.

ML: I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m being so mean.

MS: Seriously, you invite me on here, and then you try to do some sort of gotcha thing.

ML: It’s just…nevermind, there’s no excuse. I’m sorry. I actually really like you. I thought you played a good game last night.

MS: …thanks.

ML: Can we still be friends?

MS: Sure man.

ML: Will you share your chicken fingers with me sometime?

MS: …sure.

ML: Thanks. Tell Jason Kelce I think he’s cool and well-spoken.

MS: I will. When you get to Old Navy, be sure to check the clearance rack first to see if they have anything you might like at steeply discounted prices.

ML: I will. Bye Mark Sanchez!


Image: Deadspin

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